No sound has ever been as sweet as the first, second and
thousandth time that she exclaimed, “mamamama!” I grew weary when the
exclamations went from happiness to a part of crying or whining. How can I not
respond right away, she is crying for me?
I didn’t know what I was getting into when I started this
journey, before the swollen feet and sleepless nights. “Mama” is so much more
than babble or a name. It represents every need, ones for food and clean
diapers and even unusual needs like putting a little hand into my mouth while
nursing to sleep for comfort.
Sometimes when I am beckoned for the tenth (going on
hundredth) time of the morning I get annoyed, I am human. Motherhood is a
million bothersome and tiresome moments banished by single moments of pure joy.
If you make an effort to be present, those joyful moments occur more noticeably
and make the “job” a whole lot easier.
Good day or bad day, a gummy smile and silly giggle will
turn my world upside down in the most beautiful way. I am HER “mama.” Rocking
in the dark, feeling her soft, tiny hand on my cheek, I beg my mind to imprint
that feeling in my soul. I never want to let it go. But as time goes on I can’t
quite remember exactly what she looked like new to the world and what those
first few weeks felt like. No one likes to hear how fast it goes because we all
are hyperaware of each fleeting moment when we can be.
Today I pledge (as much as I can) to embrace each “mama,”
happy or whiny. One day I will cease to be “mama” and simply become “mom.” I
don’t dread it. My heart feels like a hundred pound weight is weighing on it
when I think of the years that keep flying by. Soon she won’t want me to rock
her, pick her up or kiss her toes. And one day I may even need her more than
she needs me, I may even become a burden. I won’t let her ever become mine.
To the new mom, don’t let people talk you into letting your
baby cry. Your baby will not become spoiled and will not go to Kindergarten
still needing to be rocked to sleep. Take a needed and brief break to breath
and start fresh. This is all very temporary and an incredibly small amount of
time in the scheme of our lives, although I know sometimes that it doesn’t feel
like it. We all need perspective and to be brought back down to earth at times,
and it’s ok. You will think crazy thoughts when the stress levels get high, but
you are not alone and you will not act on them. Share with those around you,
ask and LET people help you. Delegate tasks if you need to.
Sometimes things get heavy, especially words. “Mama” can
bring you to your knees with joy and even exhaustion. When family, friends and
strangers urge you to enjoy it all because time goes by so fast, it hurts and
it weighs on every fiber of our being because deep down we know. We are living
it. Don’t be terrified of the future and the threat of years of regret and nostalgia.
Do the best you can. Some days you can only simply hold on for dear life. But
when you have the time, take a moment to embrace it; the tired, the crazy, the
messy, the love.
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