On Becoming A Mother

by Ramona Grace King

I held you as you grew from a blueberry to a grapefruit, and later a watermelon. Each week a larger sized fruit and each appointment a stronger heartbeat. The rhythm of my heart lulled you to sleep and your precious kicks kept me awake.

I loved you from the two lines and positive sign; it took multiple tests to combat the disbelief. I felt the presence of your soul long before the first flutter. I questioned whether we would be buying blue booties or pretty bows. Would you be Mommy's Little Slugger or Daddy's Beautiful Princess?

I talked to you as we walked together and sang to you in the bathtub. You were my little companion. I was scared, elated, unprepared and ready all at once.

Through the cravings and heartburn I awaited each ultrasound. Every black and white print out was proof that there was a tiny human growing inside, such a hard miracle to fathom. It was a worry game. Were you developing correctly? Eat this, don't eat that. Was I doing it right? Mercifully your strong kicks and tumbles broke down the walls of worry and let room to grow one of faith.

Wide-eyed and overwhelmed your Daddy and I registered for our shower gifts, such a tall order for such a tiny human being. Love poured out for you in every direction as we awaited your arrival. Walks, eggplant and even a whole pineapple, you were going to come when you were ready. Patience was a hard virtue to bear with swollen feet.

You arrived and our world stopped. I held and fed you, questioning everything. Each tired moment crept by but each joyful week flew. Instinct took charge as I learned to be constantly bobbing and rocking. Frequent showers, sound sleep and hot food became a distant memory that I unashamedly didn't miss as much as I thought I would.

Despite the overwhelming change and constant need of a nap, your sweet smile restores me. Cuddles, kisses and coffee are my life force. I'm terrified of how quickly it is moving, how could it be that time has sped up? Everyday I try to memorize your tiny size and how it feels when your fingers wrap around one of mine. I know that I will forget as each day turns into weeks and months (I can't even think of years).

I dreamed of many titles in my youth: high school graduate, college graduate, and Mrs. For all that I have given to you, you have repaid a million times over with my proudest designation, mother.

As you grow and reach each milestone I will continue trying to build confidence and praying that I am doing a good job. I hope that with every toe kiss and silly face I do to get you to smile you know just how much I love you and how special you have made my life.

I love you forever my sweet baby.