The Pain Worse Than Labor

Today's post is a bit of a sad one. To explain, this is something that I wrote in September following the loss of our first pregnancy. We decided at the time to keep our miscarriage a secret since we hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy and writing this really helped me put into words what I was feeling. Since opening up about our loss, we have learned that we are by no means alone. A staggering 25-35 % of all pregnancies result in loss, especially first time pregnancies. This percentage of women remain all too quiet, it shocked me to even see that statistic, I felt so alone! I truly believed that pregnancy was this concrete miracle and that very few people experienced loss. The hardest aspect of a miscarriage is that pregnancy forever loses its innocence. Every pregnancy to follow is covered in worry that every twinge is disaster. We pray our way through every second until we reach the second trimester and can utter a sigh of relief. It is a long 14 weeks. 

My hope with this post is not that Mom's with all successful pregnancies will feel sad or guilty, please don't! My hope is that those who have experienced loss will realize that it happens, and it happens frequently! You are not alone and it is NOT your fault. This is the body's way of terminating an unhealthy pregnancy, whether due to fetal defects or defects in the baby's environment. Most importantly, there is a God-given rainbow at the end of this storm. There may be several storms, I am so sorry if that is the case. However, my rainbow baby (now at 15 weeks) means more to me than anything in this world. And I pray every single day that the plan God has already made for this sweet baby is for a life centered on God and glorifying to his name. 

When you read this please take the time to realize what a miracle birth is. There is no way that science can be solely responsible for such a divine experience. God Bless you all! 

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The Pain Worse Than Labor

They always say that childbirth is the worst pain of all. You hear groups of women clad in their newest outfits sharing stories like fisherman around restaurant tables. The 10 lb. bass and the 10 lb. baby, they are all the same. The ultimate battle of the sexes: childbirth vs. the passing of a kidney stone.

We want to be moms, whether by plan or by surprise. Each maturing girl knows to expect the pain but “it is so worth it” and “the joy is so great that you forget the pain and end up doing it multiple times.” We hear, we believe. Men have it so easy.

What matters is what isn’t being said.

We bleed but we hold it all inside. Some can spread the burden while others decide its best to minimize the damage.

What isn’t being said is that there is a pain worse than the laboring of birth. Quietly the quarter suffer just to be a statistic.

This life we held inside will never be loved by anyone but us. There will be no ridiculous bonnets and cigars. With each cramp our dream slips away into a vague memory of an experience we expected to be clouded with innocence. The future only holds fear and the hope of a redeeming gift, if we can get past the anxiety of a reoccurrence.  

Veiled sympathy surrounds us. For the announcement that was never made, the parents suffer alone. We open just to be told, “It happens.” But the question of why still lingers as we waddle in maxis.

The truth is, we yearn for the loss of that pain. We wanted to contract and hone breathing techniques. There is no first cry at the end of this tunnel.

   

We know in our hearts its all a part of the plan but it was not a part of our plan. That hurts.

The hormones decrease as our body expels what we wanted so badly. We vary between numbness, harmful thoughts, agony and sadness; are we losing our minds? But to the white coats and standbys, it is all “normal.” It doesn’t feel normal.

You grieve alone and have to continue the pursuit of happiness with everyone else. From the highest high to the lowest low all we can do is keep marching and try again.

For now we remain silent in our suffering and endure your poetic remarks “it is just like a heavy period,” “well maybe you weren’t ready anyways.”

The innocence of the experience is forever lost for us and until we get our redemption we will continue to “like” your announcements, buy your precious baby shoes, and convulse every time we pass the MTV programming listing. Because after all, who values the miracle of life and childbirth more than we?

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First Baby King 2014 Post!

Hello Everyone! Most everyone who will read this already knows me but if you don't, check out my "About Me" to the right of this post. I have an English degree and I LOVE to write. I won't be spending the time that I usually take to skillfully craft each piece of my writing, instead, this is a more casual blog about my journey to becoming a Mommy. 

My husband I met when we were around 12-13 years old. I met his family before I met him and instantly fell in love with them. In fact, his grandmother reported to him promptly after that weekend saying, "Travis I found the girl you are going to marry." Who knew she would be right??! We met later on and while he was always hopelessly in love with me, we remained mostly friends until my Sophomore year of college when I FINALLY smartened up.  I feel like we have grown up together, and we continue to each and every day. We married in Sept. 2012 and children weren't exactly on our radar, even though I have been excited about being a mom for a few years. We waited and went on our amazing honeymoon in May 2013 to Italy. It was on that trip that we opened up the possibility of starting a family. It did not take long for me to see that blue positive sign. In August, we were pregnant. We were beyond ecstatic but something felt off. For no reason at all I was terrified of a miscarriage. We decided not to tell anyone. The doctor believed me to be around 8 weeks pregnant so I came in for an ultrasound a week or so after getting a positive pregnancy test. There was no heartbeat but they said I measured at 5 weeks. Two days later the awful cramps and bleeding started. I will never forget covering my Toms in blood at the emergency room (sorry if that is TMI). We had to tell my Mom because she had to come be with me at the hospital since Travis had to be at the Police Academy. Not the best way to find out. I have never hurt so bad emotionally in my life. I felt so alone, which is partially my own doing because we didn't tell anyone. There were times where I cried uncontrollably and even considered burning my hands in the oven (hormone let-down is no joke). Based on the ultrasound, it appears that we lost TWINS, to add to the devastation. God really worked in my heart during this time, showing me exactly what my priorities should be, I was too busy following MY plan, not HIS. I healed. 

We were planning on waiting a couple months until my body had time to rebound but God clearly had different, miraculous plans. In Sept. I saw that awesome blue positive sign again. This time we were weary but it felt SO right and we immediately told close family. We needed a prayer support group. There was a progesterone level scare at 5 weeks where the nurse told me I was having an ectopic pregnancy and should prepare myself. Luckily, my other nurse and Doctor prescribed me progesterone and I have never had a problem. In fact, the opposite has been true! The ultrasounds at 6 & 8 weeks were right on target and we have never been so blessed by the cutest little heartbeat ever, so strong too! I went off the progesterone at 13 weeks and everything is just fine! This time we just have one VERY HEALTHY baby. Praise the Lord Almighty! 

I have never been so excited in my life. It just warms my heart how much my husband loves our baby and my growing belly! We are blessed beyond belief. I hope that you enjoy my blog and my journey to being the Mother of Kings! :)

My VERY FIRST Bumpdate:

How far along? 

15 weeks today!! It was a wonderful Christmas present saying goodbye to the first trimester and hello to the second! We are now in the year of Baby K!!

Baby size?

Baby K is 4 inches and about 2.5 ounces, the size of a navel orange!! Some days my belly pops out there and others it stays a little hidden.

Total weight gain?

-1, I did not have consistent morning sickness during the first trimester but my appetite was pretty low. I ended up losing about 3 lbs, which can be normal. As of Wednesday I had gained 2 back. So I am still around one pound under my pre-pregnancy weight.

Maternity clothes?

Oh yeah! My Mom & Grandmother let me go on a shopping spree at Kohls for maternity clothes for Christmas. While they have a small selection, I LOVE their Oh Baby brand. I have some jeans, tops, yoga pants, etc. I am LOVING the jeans! I can still fit into some of my regular tops though!

Stretch marks? 

None so far. I am prone to them, I got them while on steroids a few years ago. I am trying EVERYTHING not to get them too bad. Drinking lots of water and using bio oil and palmers.

Symptoms?

The fatigue of the progesterone (stopped at 13 weeks) and the first trimester has lifted a good bit so most days I have a fairly normal level of energy. Some days I am still a zombie. Most of the random nausea has gone away and so have the food aversions, for the most part! I have had a good bit of round ligament pain at night.

The other night I woke up starving with a great deal of heartburn, hopefully that means baby will have some hair!!

Sleep?

Yeah… I have been sleeping okay but it is starting to get uncomfortable. My Husby got me a fluffy body pillow for Christmas and that has helped. To be honest, I really think that the CRAZY dreams are affecting my quality of sleep. I wake up with about 10 memorable dreams a night.

Best moment this week?

When the clock struck 12 on New Years, I am so excited that we are in the year that my precious baby will be here! 2014!!

Have you told family and friends? 

Oh yeah! We finally announced on FB on Christmas Day. We are blessed with the wonderful, loving support we have received.

Miss anything?

Not really. I didn’t miss alcohol for the holidays because I am not a big drinker anyways. I do miss medium cooked steaks a lot. I don’t mind indulging once or twice maybe but I am being very careful.

Movement?

I know it is early but I swear sometimes when I press on my belly I feel little flutters of movement.

Food cravings?

HAHA! Sour candy. The sourest you can find, like mess up your tongue sour. Baked potatoes, hot wings, etc. Mostly starches, not really anything sweet.

 A text between me and the husband. 

Anything making you queasy or sick?

Sometimes I get queasy still for no reason. And I get sick if I drink any liquid in the morning other than water… weird. The thought of zucchini makes we want to barf. Not sure why. Pregnancy is super weird.

I always have had a strong stomach but some things on TV are now making me queasy.

Have you started to show yet?

Yes, more than I thought I would at this point. I have a belly that pokes out, sometimes I am wrongly convinced that it is all fat, but it isn’t. To strangers I may just look a bit chunky but to people who know me, BABY BUMP!!

Baby is a?

We have NO idea! We may try to find out before our 20 week ultrasound on Feb 6^th. Everyone really thinks it is a boy but I do not care either way! I want them both equally!

Belly button in or out? 

In, but it is making it’s way out, getting shallower!

Wedding rings on or off? 

On and LOOSE surprisingly. I usually just normally swell, must be the cold weather.

Happy or moody most of the time? 

Actually pretty happy, not sure husband would agree though. There are a few current struggles in my day-to-day but the pregnancy has not given me any real mood swings. I stay pretty happy all the time.

Looking forward to?

Hearing this baby’s sweet heartbeat again on Jan 16 and finding out the gender, Feb 6th!!!! Hopefully sooner rather than later maybe!! 

Our Countdown :)