Sunday, May 24, 2015

To you, my love, who would have been.

I’m so angry and I don’t want to let you go. But I also know that is not what you would want for your Mama. I have carried you from the start of your beating heart to the moment that it stopped and I carry you still. In three days every trace of you will be gone but you will remain implanted in my heart. I don’t understand why and when I look at your beautiful big sister the burn stings deeper. I want to hurt on the outside as much as I do on the inside sometimes. I want it to show, I’m so tired of being strong and I don’t want to be silent.

You two would have been so close. I close my eyes and I see her bringing me your diapers and I see the two of you running through the back yard, you still wobbly on your feet like she is today. It would have been a crazy and wonderful ride for us all. But there were different plans for you, my love. I saw your beating, tiny heart weeks ago and you consumed me at that very moment. I finally understood and was confident that I could love someone as much as I love my first.

I carried you every single second of your life and I will love you for every remaining second of mine. What a privilege it has been to be your Mom.

I promise to not be bitter and to continue to hope for more blessings in the future. For you and for your family here with me I am going to resolve to leave the anger and emptiness behind. It the hardest thing I have ever had to do, saying goodbye to you.

You are in good hands. Your great grandparents are experts in love and support. It makes me so joyful to think of you being held and guided by them. It is the only way I can cope. What were their faces like when they saw you for the first time?  Are you with your older sibling who joined them in 2013? I can only imagine.

 I know you are waiting for your Dad and I.  It seems so cruel that we should have to wait so long to see you. But we have a job to do until then and I promise we won’t forget you. We will hold you in our hearts until we can hold you in heaven.

My sweet little love, I miss you so much. You are one of the greatest “what ifs” of my life and your time with me has been so special. My heart hurts so badly and I wish your plan was what I had planned. I don’t have the words to close because I don’t want to have to say goodbye, or even see you later.

So I will just say that I love you.

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